My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
