First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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