the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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