you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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