Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
