well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
