I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
