Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
