I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
