no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
