I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
