mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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