I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I look better un-naked...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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