I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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