I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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