Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
is it fun? or sober?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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