Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All the doctor said was why
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
