Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
