cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
