I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
