There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
