i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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