Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
