I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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