Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
