Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
