he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
