i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
