I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Panties = found
Randomize
