it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
