im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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