Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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