Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
