Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
