Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
