Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
love makes seman taste better
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
