I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
