He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
