dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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