i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
