i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Found the puke drawer
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
