when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
