ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
