I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
