apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
