I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dick very happy bro
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
