if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
