Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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