I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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