I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
