His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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