At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
