god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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