Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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