So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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