why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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