I heard we made out
I'm gonna have a badass scar
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
