so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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